Saturday, December 22, 2012

Dear Eddy, One Year {lump in throat}

Dear Eddy,

I'm am at once at a loss for words and bursting with things to say. I want to say everything but no matter how well I articulate how I feel, it won't come close to what is really in my heart. What is really in my heart is too big, too precious, too special for words. Sitting here on the eve of the day we met, minutes after nursing you to sleep, my mind is scrolling through thumbnails from the last 12 months.

A year. 365 days + 1 for leap day.

Pride and strength and patience and worry.

A molehill of frustrations and a mountain of triumphs.

Tears, a cup from exhaustion and gallons from happiness.

Shared naps, shared nights, shared giggles at 4 in the morning.

Bumped foreheads and bumped foreheads and bumped foreheads.

A busted lip and a bloody nipple.

Old wounds healed and smiles for strangers.

Runs and walks. Rolls and tummy time.

Winter in a Moby wrap, spring on a blanket, summer in the water, and fall on your toes.

A year since I realized my own strength.

You picked exactly the right day to come. You woke me up at 3:00 in the morning and together we worked hard. And oh was it worth it. I'd do it a thousand times over to feel you on my belly for the first time again.

I remember reading this poem in high school and being drawn to its words but mostly its style. As I read this part now, I can't believe it wasn't written by a mom.

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings
(The first e is for Edward, naturally.)

I carried your heart in me for nine months. I cared for it a listened to it and hung on its every beat. But the thing is when you took that first gasp of air outside of me I could still feel your heart. I still feel it right now with walls between us. I will carry it always.

You made me a mom, what I've always wanted to be. I am forever grateful.

Happy birthday, my sweet boy. This has truly been the best year of my life.

I so look forward to many many more.

All of the love in my heart,

brand new us.


  1. This is so sweet!!! There is nothing more amazing than watching your children grow! Following you from SITS, have a merry Christmas!

  2. Oh my goodness, I am totally welling up just reading this! Happy birthday to your very sweet baby! :) Stopping by from SITS Sharefest!

  3. So beautiful and Happy First Birthday to your son! Visiting from SITS :-)

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