Thursday, October 11, 2012

Dear Eddy, Month 9

Dear Eddy,

I bought this calendar when you were born. You can find tons of options on Amazon. It's a calendar to keep track of your baby's milestones. I bought the least obnoxious, baby-ish one (complete with cute stickers to commemorate First Teeth and First BooBoo!). It sat on our dining room table for a while. Then it sat on the bar in our kitchen. Then it sat on the coffee table by the couch. Then your papa put it away in your closet and when he did this I said, "Hey, where's that calendar for Eddy?" He told me that he put it away because he was cleaning and I quickly retorted, "Well if you put it away I won't see it and won't ever work on it!"

You see, it's Papa's fault that I haven't been keeping up with that dang calendar. For all of the days that it sat in plain sight, that one moment that it would've caught my eye and I would've worked on it was the one damn day that Papa had hid it from me.

Yeah, that's the ticket. I would be record-keeping-scrap-booking-Mom-of-the-Year if it weren't for that one day.

Who am I kidding? I ordered that calendar because it's what you do when you have a baby and then there it sat. I convinced myself that I was capturing more genuine emotion on this blog and let it slip away from me everyday.

And then!

One day I sat down and decided that I was going to piece together memories through photos and text messages and emails and start filling in this calendar. I was going to make record of your first laugh and first smile and first play date and first tooth bud and first explosive poop. Things were going famously, this calendar was coming together, I was feeling all momish.

... and then...

I f'ed the months up. I was calling December month 1 because that's when you were born and then I fast forwarded to write something in April - when you were 4 months old - and I should've written it in month 5. And it was in big, fat Sharpie, and it looked all stupid when I tried to cross it out, and I said to myself, "This is why I never did this!" and I chucked it in the recycling bin.

I convinced myself again that I was capturing more authentic memories here on the blog but a part of me does feel bad for the passing of memory-filled days. I have a picture of your first day of real smiles but I don't remember exactly when it was. I know that you cut your first tooth right after you turned 6 months old but I don't remember which one it was or the order in which the other 7 followed, but holy holy I sure do know what each of them feels like when you're nursing.

I do wish I had stayed on top of that calendar. I know that it would be fun to go through one day. Memories happen in front of my eyes and I think, "Oh I will never forget this moment!" but then it gets 10 other memories stacked on top of it and it's in there but when you try to find it, it's a bit wrinkled and smudged.

So basically I'm not a perfect mom. Far from it, in fact. I have met many situations with frustration. I have swooped over the moment just after you toppled onto the hardwood floor head first. I may have even dropped the remote control on your head when you were just a handful of weeks old and we would spend hours on the couch.

And I'll probably continue to f' up. I might get you to school tardy more times than we'd like to count. I might forget which park your friend's birthday party is at making us late and frazzled. I might forget to sign a permission slip and you will walk into class with a hot face when you realize, in a panic, that you can't go on the field trip unless you call your mom this second.

I will try to fix what I can. If I can't fix it, I will apologize and take you out for ice cream.

I will remind you - everyday - that I love you. Very much. Times infinity.

Make no mistake about that.

We ain't perfect but we in love.

1 comment:

  1. OH, we all do that....well, I have, anyway. It's so easy to get lost in these moments to think we havent't captured them. Failure? No - human - yes - a loving mother - most definitely! That is what I have seen written here! Loved your post - your baby is very blessed to have you as Mommy!


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